Im not the girl your mom warned you about, her imagination was never this good.

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Sunday, May 24, 2015, 1:15 AM
Loneliness is Freedom

I. Dont. Feel. Like.


I dont want to be alone. Ever. But everybody will be alone sometimes.

Friday, May 08, 2015, 11:34 PM
You are 100% you.

You cant beat the gurls on screen
The chicks in music videos
The drawings in anime

You cant beat the voices of a singer
The optimism of a dreamer
The pain of a beggar

You can choose to be you.
Uniquely you because thats the clue
To a life of happiness being proud of yourself.

Choosing to be you is believing you are better than anyone else in the world
It is considering your feelings before another's
Its is being strong to be outright selfish.

You have accomplish plenty
You have fought many emotional wars
Take a breath and let your life be filled with choices for YOUR happiness.

You deserve it because you know yourself.
And you have come a long way.

Wednesday, May 06, 2015, 5:46 PM
Stick out

I seek from a distance and see you.
A shot of excitement shoots directly electrifying my nerves.
I feel myself turning soft and vulnerable and you grab hold of my tushy in my cupcake dress.
I await the ravishing, a thought i crave but yet never felt like was satisfied.

I awaited.
It never came.
The stick came up.
But it was shot down by my disappointment and.. i dont know.. perhaps your lack of ..

Desire? Confidence? Privacy?

And I comfort myself. Its not you, its him. Its just another of those days. This lack of satisfaction is in your head. Nothing will be like it could should be.

Sunday, April 19, 2015, 3:32 PM

You have gone. for close to a week. 2 more weeks and u will be back.
What i fear is that you were feeding me lies
and all i knew about you was merely a perception.

I wish you could tell me the truth
despite your fear of me being upset
I wish you wont make me go through my past again.

I dont think people realise how much i care
but thats okay.
because i dont believe i am alone.

I dont believe i am the only girl that gets haunted by nightmares
I dont believe i am the only one who gets caged by my own fears
I dont think i am the only one who is afraid to love.

So it got me thinking,
when a guy cheats on a girl,
who is the fool?

And i realise that anyone can be a fool if they regret something
and i can choose not to be a fool at the end of the day
because the greatest fool would be one who choses to leave me and then,
I wont see it as a waste, I wont regret having lost a douchebag.
And he will be the fool not because its a competition of the better,
It is a competition of the mind.

So Dear Wendy, this is for you,

You worry alot, you get paranoid, I dont blame you because its a torment enough to be the way you are. You worry because you care. and if you dont think and not worry, you wouldn't be that special nor active. So there is nothing wrong about thinking. But you can choose what to think.

You can choose at this moment to be happy for all that you have done. You can choose to be happy about every small thing that makes you smile. You can choose to be happy about having a healthy and happy family. You can choose to see that nature is your friend.

then if something goes wrong, remember dont despair, dont spiral down the usual path thinking everything was your care. Its not always your fault. It isn't so dont punch yourself for it. And if it is, make sure this moment isn't going to waste. Everyone is going to misunderstand you. But give yourself a chance to understand yourself. For you to do that, you must be in a healthier emotional state.

If something goes wrong, what's there to fear? wasted time and love, broken hearts and feeling unloved. But the one person who shouldn't stop loving you is yourself and during tough times, thats when you have to step up for YOURSELF. DO yourself a favour and stop being upset about a perception of something, the possibilities that have left and stop comparing your sorrow to other's happiness. You are lucky because you have this massive brain that works with your huge heart to love. And if anyone deserves to be loved, its you.

You have cared for the world your whole life; now its time to say goodbye to these hard times. Make a constant decision to do things for yourself. Love yourself. Stop abandoning yourself just so you can do things for others. Its what you are used to but it might not be whats best for you. Its draining you.

Feel the feelings that you feel, its okay to be sad and hurt. Then detach yourself and treat yourself like a child. Distract her, Nurture her and make her feel better:) i read somewhere that "Allowing others to treat you badly sends a message to your inner child that he or she is not worth loving." SOH you are worth it :) Take care of your inner child. Now its time to take care of her.

Me at 22

Friday, March 20, 2015, 11:45 PM

The pain inflicted was forgave but it wasnt forgotten.
The episodes of fear reached a decade, home was defined by darkness.
How one can sleep under the same roof and not shiver whenever a door slams.
How one can hear your deep breathing and break out in cold sweat.
Hypersensitivity. Its called scientifically.

How you are so blind you blame the world but youself.
How im so blind i keep blaming myself.
How im so stupid coz im aware but yet i keep running the spirals of saddness downwards to the never ending black hole..

How you seem to complain bout the wrongdoings of other parents, never your own.
I know that there are no perfect parents in this world.
Its a matter of perspective.
But the perpectual ego doesnt help in building an environment to try and formulate a relationship.

Fathers be good to your daughters.

Monday, March 02, 2015, 12:44 PM

I give myself till 6th March.
After that, I have no other reason to hold on the this anesthetic. 
Gasper Chan, letting you go is the hardest but I understand that I don't want you in my life anymore.
No one will be able to love you the way I did. You were the only male I thought could bring me love.. you did then.. and you changed afterwards.
I don't know if those nights you shed tears while I listened for hours meant anything to you. 
I don't know if you understood how much love it took to rip a day off my life to talk to your parents and stand up for you.
I don't know if anyone else could worry everyday about you the way i did, speak to all nice things like i did. 
I don't know if it meant anything to you when you said I was the pillar that should never crash, when you crashed on my head. 

It was as though you promised.. remember the running game we played? you promised you were on my team.. we killed everyone, and in the end you ripped me off and said i'm sorry you are not on my team. Just that this time it is real.. you made me push away every pillar and reject every friend's help because I knew that all I needed was you. I tried to hide behind you later when I accomplished all that you asked. Then you crashed down and killed me with the mighty strength, with no remorse.

I have been blaming myself for months for being insufficient
For not partying and drinking with your friends because they felt fake to me
To not be adventurous enough to sneak into places and steal things because I felt bad for those we stole from 
To stop you from killing yourself with doubts about yourself when you wanted to spiral down this change and become who you are today.

But this week. I have decided to let go.
It is not you I miss, but who you were.
Who I was when I was with you.
I have tried to find a replacement but i know no one will replace that space you once had.
No one can climb up that stairway of trust.

I must forgive myself and remember one simple line:
It is not me who chose to left but it was you. 


Tuesday, February 24, 2015, 10:42 PM

Just a little bit closer
Lean your body so I can feel
The warmth from you sinking into my body
The memory of it carved in my mind.

Your smell, so composed
So full and rich, so comforting,
Its presence allures all my senses
Then you disappear, I cant find the smell.

6 months of presence and absence
6 months of yes and no
6 months of inconsistency
6 months of bottling and pouring
6 months of smiling then crying
6 months of hiding from raging loneliness
6 months of one day stands
6 months of predictable presence
6 months of occasional burst of happiness
6 months of waitingggggg
6 months of dreaming

Treat it as a test they all say
Treat it well
Treat me well
You are not alone
Many people have to go through this

They. are. not. me.