Im not the girl your mom warned you about, her imagination was never this good.

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Saturday, November 14, 2015, 4:05 PM
What I have become

The woman who would think of you every second
The woman who would save her time just to smell you and share your company
The woman who grew so fond of you she forgot to love herself
The woman who gave up all she had to see you smile
The woman who tells you she is okay when the world is crashing so you won't have additional worries
The woman who waits for hours just to hear you speak for minutes
The woman who hides her fears behind her smiles
The woman who wishes the best for you
The woman who love you with every part of her body
The woman who is loyal
The woman who braces all adversities with you
The woman who stays by your side while you do your thing
The woman who never doubts
There is a fine line between - The woman who is:
obedient not stupid,
kind not naive,
patient not ignorant,
understanding not foolish.

That fine line is choosing a good guy to trust.
That was who I was, and I'm afraid I might not want to be that anymore.
I'm afraid I'm becoming someone I will hate.

It is not a game but I keep thinking the world is treating it as it is.
And i'm fighting for a the virtue of love and kindness and honesty.. and frankly, I am losing.

Friday, November 06, 2015, 9:15 PM

You know all hope is lost when you are so upset you become calm.

I told you what happened. And you reacted by saying I was stubborn, 
when I've lived by whole life watching you objectify women,
I've watched all the same **** you have and I have thought you were right.
I thought I needed to be just like them in the screen.

I have been through everyday of my like life thinking I was never the best
I have been comparing myself with everyone
I have been cleaning up all the mess you made
and never once have you remembered because the only thing worth your memory is that pair of meat and that hole.

I have planned my expenses based on what I thought fit that image.
I think at night about how I am not good enough.
I was submissive, passive. 
I never had my own opinion. People said I was a bimbo. I was not. I was just submissive, I am sure now.

22 years of being submissive, passive, victimized by my own thoughts.
I cared for everyone and placed themselves before
Until today. 

Why, I hate? Because I have spent 22 years trying to please the both of you and never once have you appreciated. Never once have I been good enough. Never once have I not been compared. 

Cycles of watching both of you looking at new things.
Fanciful animals

And all I said was, all men are too self adsorbed, and you generalized me as someone who has too much opinion.

1 thought that is truly mine, amongst the millions you made me live by.

You can always think of me as being wrong,
but it is about time I stop being submissive and believe in myself being all that is right.

Thursday, October 29, 2015, 4:07 PM
An unfortunate blessing

Here is the thing, I never knew how strong I could be. I have been predicting situations and still it didn't help me prevent anything bad from happening between us. Literally I learnt so much just for this 1 incident. Surprising I feel very liberated at this moment. A lot of hurt and unsettled uncomfortable feelings but at the same time, I am glad that happened.

You say you can protect me? I know you are trying but your character attracts people to take advantage of you and eventually I have to suffer from it.
So I keep asking myself, if a husband has been faithful all his life, and eventually falters and make 1 mistake, do you break everything up for that one mistake? or do you look past it for all the happiness you had?

Reminder to self: Pick yourself. If truly one day that happens and a man betrays your trust. Leave not because you are powerful, because at that time you will feel the weakest in the world. Leave because seeing him is a constant reminder of your weakness. Leave because you deserve to be happy and trust me, those memories and words and love you hanged on to? they wouldn't have been real. Betrayal is not a one time incident, it is an alien that grows inside your brain silently till it reveals itself in one blow. Don't feed the alien.

Perhaps my defenses were so high up which is why I feel numbness now.
Perhaps my mind knows it wouldn't end, but then again if it were real, I will force it to end.
my mind runs wild fighting to choose between reality and my imagination.
Still, I can't seem to ignore you.

If you truly have betrayed me. I will be strong and move on.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015, 7:48 PM
The Beauty of Love, The Beauty of You

The Beauty of Love is similar to the Beauty of YOU.
Love is unique. There are many labels that says
it has to be romantic, it has its ups and downs,
it will end if this or that happens...
similarly to the labels placed on individuals.

By race, religion, gender,
by observations of your character,
actions and choices, people label you.
You are smart, you are sexy,
you are this or that.

There are societal guidelines to love that many impose upon their own,
monogamy, no gay marriage,
saving the virginity.
Similarly, society have certain guidelines on how to behave.

Give up your seats, stand in line and queue,
No spitting, no littering...

But the thing is, both Love and YOUR identity can seem rather typical,
especially when the world is labeling THEIR expectations on you.
But here is the thing. You are special.

There is only ONE you.
And you should let Yourself shine.
You should let Love shine.

Form your own rules,
trust in the other,
believe in the impossible.
Because no love is the same.
No one is the same completely.

Don't fit yourself into the boxes.
Spill over! and live life <3 p="">

7:35 PM
Don't be afraid to love

How much can you love?

Well love grows and that's something about you that you should be proud of.
You are afraid because the harder you love, the harder you might fall.

But that's the thing about love.
It is not a gamble, I used to think it is.
It is merely a choice.

There are no losers in love. The only losers are the ones who perceive themselves as having loss something.
And if he cheats on you in the future after all the love and effort and faithfulness you have put in,

trust me babe, you would have loss nothing anyway.
Then. pick yourself up and the only thing you lose is every moment you choose to be upset about something not worth your time :)

Saturday, September 05, 2015, 1:32 AM

Going to bed with the pain.
The strong sharp pain of a bad day.
You can barely feel you heavy eyelids even though u felt awake for a whole week.
Dreams were a chore.
You just needed a rest. From saddness and pain.

You needed answers to your happiness.
The key to happiness is also the key to your destruction.

You fight with the pain.
You force your eyes closed.
And hope to wake up to a better day.

How is life gna get better?
It does not, but you get better, stronger, perhaps even faced with more fears.

You are normal though. Dont for once thing you have smth wrong in you. The world has done enough hurt to make you feel that everyday. Love yourself because the world dont have time to love you.

Monday, August 31, 2015, 8:25 PM
Fear and courage

There is so much to fear in life
There is so much uncertainty
There is so much sadness

You jus need to filter out the good.
Choose to be happy even on the worst days.
Choose to be different.
Choose to love what u are doing so that everything that u do wont be a chore.
Because if u live everyday doing what makes you happy and what you love, the future will write itself in the best way possible.