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Im not the girl your mom warned you about, her imagination was never this good.

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Tuesday, July 25, 2017, 9:26 PM
A ticking time bomb

it seems different.
Or was it just that I've been ignoring the signs that it wasn't right.
Don't feel it.
So I make myself need it less.
One day I won't need it.

That's what happens to married couples. An expiry date to the love felt?
What if it becomes worse. What if u don't feel it, just me?




Wednesday, June 21, 2017, 12:22 AM
People like us

People don't always think like you.
Its not all about you.

It took me awhile to get this into my head.
The world did not go through the same mental abuse that you did while growing up and thinking that all I had to do was to run in athe hamster wheel and chase anything that affirms my looks because a girl's asset is one cast and reflected in what thy can gain through male affirmation.

My friends pulled my out of the jungle where I was tangled in vines holding me to the endless pursuit of excellence. A standard only achievable by photoshop and digital features. I wanted what possible any victim of self hate wanted. To not feel lesser than a valued member.

But really it was never worth it. I achieved so much affirmation from odd sources, experience things beyond what I thought my morals would ever let me achieve  and still it felt like they were just false judgements and needed more; like a needful manifestation.

My friends pulled me out, taught me what goes beyond glamor and self hate articles. They made me realize that I could be anything I wanted, I set out to be me. I planned to crush all the constructs previously written in my conscious. Tainted by the expectations of society. I felt wholesome without a man. I knew then, that I needed to love myself.

On bad days like these, I question if it's worth it to take what u know u might lose. To open yourself to the possibility of failure and now unimaginable pain.

Then I see our picture. I tell myself we are different. I tell myself it's a bad day and to move out of it.




Friday, May 05, 2017, 10:00 AM
Mounds of clay

It tries to alter the form with every pair of hands that embraces it.
But it's losing its elasticity 
It's wrinkling up.

I know what they want out of me.
I am fully aware.
But here I am just trying to find my own peace of mind and now I have to be responsible for another.




Monday, April 10, 2017, 9:02 PM
Relational 21

Linger.
On your mind. She wants to stay there and let his gaze stay on her lips.
She mouths the words, come closer.
He gets hooked like a limp fish controlled by her slight movements. 
She feels the tension and likes how intense he is gazing as his driving eyes thoroughly scan downwards.
Every inch, baiting her passionate body to respond. 
He flushed. His weakness transforming to strength exuberated through his rough hands as he gives a tight grip on her waist. The popping veins crying out a sense of intensity like no other.
She follows.
Now it's his move.

She lets out a soft sigh and feels weak in the knees.
She gets down.






Monday, January 23, 2017, 10:51 AM
Embracing

every one told her to trust, to let go and to give.
She knew she needed to trust. The irony of it all, she was basically the most honest person around, and that was what flawed her in this world.

She genuinely commits, spoke and acted.
And everyone could then critique her for all that she is.
All that hurt her.
Wounded and bruised she evaluates and her world tells her not to trust in what the world said about love.
But then again, it is in the world's standards to trust.

She start developing negative thoughts about herself for she never feels enough.

Stop. For you are enough. You can't trust because you have the guts to admit it to yourself and to others. You speak what the world often hides. You allow all your emotions to reflect so easily because while you are afraid of how people would think of you, it was morally not in your code to lie through what everyone else call "putting up a front".

You are different and you might not fit in.
But that does not mean the world is right.
Being honest isn't bad. Being afraid isn't bad. Being evaluative and sensitive isn't bad.
Being caring isn't a weakness.
You just need someone right to appreciate all that about you.

Or even better. Start by loving all that about you. Don't let anyone tell you that you have to change that.




Thursday, January 19, 2017, 12:52 PM
Poetry in music: Fight


Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
I'm chasing sleep
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime.

Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion





Tuesday, January 10, 2017, 10:31 AM
My journey to growing up


We are all busy code-switching between languages and much research has been set aside to help people flex between the usage of various languages. Upon turning 24 and reality hitting me like a huge stick, I realized I needed to arm myself for the adult world.

Too many people across generations go through life not knowing the secret to being strong as an individual. I am still searching to regain my confidence from many events that push me down over the past quarter of a century. We pick up quotes online and messages that tell us how to be who we are, so much so that we forget that our identity is multi faceted and that staying true to yourself does not equate to being mono identified.

It struck me that what I needed to succeed in my role as a grown up is to code-switch between identities.


This does not mean hiding behind a mask and being someone that we are not, although certain uncomfy situations might force us to be so. It means embracing various aspects of your identity and working on all the faces of it. Instead of thinking that you are just that one genuine representation of yourself.

It means being a gentle soul when your partner needs help and being patient and observant to their needs.

It means being grateful to those who stick by you and showing them love in every way you know how and opening your heart up to love and being afraid of failure but trying anyway.

It also means embracing the working identity that forces you to put on a show and to seem like you hve it all figured out. To be visually strong amidst all the changes and insults that put you down. To walk with a stained skirt and still be proud of being in that skirt because you know you are much more than a pretty image.

It means going home and being kind and soft with your family. Helping out at home. Having hobbies and cooking for them. Telling them that you are okay, even if you are breaking down inside on so many levels. A different kind of strong.

It means sitting up at night thinking of how to become a better teacher tomorrow when the whole world seems to be counting on you for comfort, assurances, strength, confidence. When you face a class of confused faces and a lot of 100 students looking to you for some sign that they are good enough even if they seem like they want to hurt you, even if they seem uninterested, even if they have their troubles and expect you to read it off their faces. You shut your eyes and strengthen yourself. You embrace your weakness of caring too much. You take 10minutes to cry it out. To allow your weakness to show. And to motivate yourself. Then you spend the next hour thinking of ways to be strong again for tomorrow.

You switch in and out of what might seem like a thin stemmed flower on the rails of a train track. Some moments you embrace your gentle nature and feed yourself with comfort, for the world seems busy with their own problems. And when the train arrives, you brace yourself for the massive blow that will tip you over the 45degree angle that is humanly possible to bend over before you break. Only you don't break.

You hold on tight to that hug you gave yourself the previous night. You know you can go against your very nature of breaking.
And you survive it. Through code switching between your gentle nature of loving and your strength to be resilient.