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Im not the girl your mom warned you about, her imagination was never this good.

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Wednesday, September 06, 2017, 3:04 PM
A mother's love prevails

Time and time again
I reach into the deepest part of my soul to find
Comfort and Confidence
Yet all I find is criticism.

And I want to be fine on my own. I want to be strong.
But yet I seem to dial up a familiar number.
Hovering above the call button.
Not wanting but yet needing my Meemoose.

I am fully 24, full in many aspects
On the surface.
I have a career, a man, and what I think of as friends.
And yet there's always a void.

The void that feeds on affirmation.
One that requires a tangible voice telling me that I am good enough.
Achievements amounting to "good enough"
The endless pursuit of any moment that spells comfort.

I know I need to be stronger.
But for now, I still need her.
The biological god that gave me life.
Like a drug, an easy way, to be affirmed.

It goes beyond being there, physically.
It exist in compounds far more complex.
In knowing just the amount of right things to say, to the endearing touch, to the sound of her voice,
To her magical smile.
It is the way she makes you feel like the most unreasonable of all your emotions are basically what makes us human.
It's the way she then makes you feel special in the way you can cope with these obstacles. She described you as unbeatable and if anyone can do it, it's you.

She gives you confidence and comfort.
And truly, the greatest gift of all.




Tuesday, July 25, 2017, 9:26 PM
A ticking time bomb

it seems different.
Or was it just that I've been ignoring the signs that it wasn't right.
Don't feel it.
So I make myself need it less.
One day I won't need it.

That's what happens to married couples. An expiry date to the love felt?
What if it becomes worse. What if u don't feel it, just me?




Wednesday, June 21, 2017, 12:22 AM
People like us

People don't always think like you.
Its not all about you.

It took me awhile to get this into my head.
The world did not go through the same mental abuse that you did while growing up and thinking that all I had to do was to run in athe hamster wheel and chase anything that affirms my looks because a girl's asset is one cast and reflected in what thy can gain through male affirmation.

My friends pulled my out of the jungle where I was tangled in vines holding me to the endless pursuit of excellence. A standard only achievable by photoshop and digital features. I wanted what possible any victim of self hate wanted. To not feel lesser than a valued member.

But really it was never worth it. I achieved so much affirmation from odd sources, experience things beyond what I thought my morals would ever let me achieve  and still it felt like they were just false judgements and needed more; like a needful manifestation.

My friends pulled me out, taught me what goes beyond glamor and self hate articles. They made me realize that I could be anything I wanted, I set out to be me. I planned to crush all the constructs previously written in my conscious. Tainted by the expectations of society. I felt wholesome without a man. I knew then, that I needed to love myself.

On bad days like these, I question if it's worth it to take what u know u might lose. To open yourself to the possibility of failure and now unimaginable pain.

Then I see our picture. I tell myself we are different. I tell myself it's a bad day and to move out of it.




Friday, May 05, 2017, 10:00 AM
Mounds of clay

It tries to alter the form with every pair of hands that embraces it.
But it's losing its elasticity 
It's wrinkling up.

I know what they want out of me.
I am fully aware.
But here I am just trying to find my own peace of mind and now I have to be responsible for another.




Monday, April 10, 2017, 9:02 PM
Relational 21

Linger.
On your mind. She wants to stay there and let his gaze stay on her lips.
She mouths the words, come closer.
He gets hooked like a limp fish controlled by her slight movements. 
She feels the tension and likes how intense he is gazing as his driving eyes thoroughly scan downwards.
Every inch, baiting her passionate body to respond. 
He flushed. His weakness transforming to strength exuberated through his rough hands as he gives a tight grip on her waist. The popping veins crying out a sense of intensity like no other.
She follows.
Now it's his move.

She lets out a soft sigh and feels weak in the knees.
She gets down.






Monday, January 23, 2017, 10:51 AM
Embracing

every one told her to trust, to let go and to give.
She knew she needed to trust. The irony of it all, she was basically the most honest person around, and that was what flawed her in this world.

She genuinely commits, spoke and acted.
And everyone could then critique her for all that she is.
All that hurt her.
Wounded and bruised she evaluates and her world tells her not to trust in what the world said about love.
But then again, it is in the world's standards to trust.

She start developing negative thoughts about herself for she never feels enough.

Stop. For you are enough. You can't trust because you have the guts to admit it to yourself and to others. You speak what the world often hides. You allow all your emotions to reflect so easily because while you are afraid of how people would think of you, it was morally not in your code to lie through what everyone else call "putting up a front".

You are different and you might not fit in.
But that does not mean the world is right.
Being honest isn't bad. Being afraid isn't bad. Being evaluative and sensitive isn't bad.
Being caring isn't a weakness.
You just need someone right to appreciate all that about you.

Or even better. Start by loving all that about you. Don't let anyone tell you that you have to change that.




Thursday, January 19, 2017, 12:52 PM
Poetry in music: Fight


Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
I'm chasing sleep
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime.

Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion