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Im not the girl your mom warned you about, her imagination was never this good.

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Monday, March 02, 2015, 12:44 PM







I give myself till 6th March.
After that, I have no other reason to hold on the this anesthetic. 
Gasper Chan, letting you go is the hardest but I understand that I don't want you in my life anymore.
No one will be able to love you the way I did. You were the only male I thought could bring me love.. you did then.. and you changed afterwards.
I don't know if those nights you shed tears while I listened for hours meant anything to you. 
I don't know if you understood how much love it took to rip a day off my life to talk to your parents and stand up for you.
I don't know if anyone else could worry everyday about you the way i did, speak to all nice things like i did. 
I don't know if it meant anything to you when you said I was the pillar that should never crash, when you crashed on my head. 

It was as though you promised.. remember the running game we played? you promised you were on my team.. we killed everyone, and in the end you ripped me off and said i'm sorry you are not on my team. Just that this time it is real.. you made me push away every pillar and reject every friend's help because I knew that all I needed was you. I tried to hide behind you later when I accomplished all that you asked. Then you crashed down and killed me with the mighty strength, with no remorse.

I have been blaming myself for months for being insufficient
For not partying and drinking with your friends because they felt fake to me
To not be adventurous enough to sneak into places and steal things because I felt bad for those we stole from 
To stop you from killing yourself with doubts about yourself when you wanted to spiral down this change and become who you are today.

But this week. I have decided to let go.
It is not you I miss, but who you were.
Who I was when I was with you.
I have tried to find a replacement but i know no one will replace that space you once had.
No one can climb up that stairway of trust.

I must forgive myself and remember one simple line:
It is not me who chose to left but it was you. 



THERE IS SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR WENDY :)




Tuesday, February 24, 2015, 10:42 PM

Just a little bit closer
Lean your body so I can feel
The warmth from you sinking into my body
The memory of it carved in my mind.

Your smell, so composed
So full and rich, so comforting,
Its presence allures all my senses
Then you disappear, I cant find the smell.

6 months of presence and absence
6 months of yes and no
6 months of inconsistency
6 months of bottling and pouring
6 months of smiling then crying
6 months of hiding from raging loneliness
6 months of one day stands
6 months of predictable presence
6 months of occasional burst of happiness
6 months of waitingggggg
6 months of dreaming


Treat it as a test they all say
Treat it well
Treat me well
You are not alone
Many people have to go through this

They. are. not. me.




Wednesday, February 18, 2015, 1:01 AM
Drop the clothes

The beauty about HDBs comes with issues. Innocent as they may seem.
I live on the 8th floor.
One fine morning, I came home realising my overused cheap clothes pegs have failed me. My Clothes fell 2 levels down and landed on a traditional wooden pole erected outside the window of the unit just right below me. It seem so close. Yet out of reach.

I ran frantically. Anxious about speaking to the neighbour who Ive never met before. In fact I dont know any of my neighbours. The doors in my block seem to shut off. Life behind closed doors were translated to corridor gossips. We were all strangers commuting under the same block.

I ran the doorbell with my sweaty thumb and waited for a response. His voice was coarse and deep. "Hang on," the owner of that voice opened the door 5 minutes later exposing an image unlike imaginable.

____ has just taken a shower soaking wet with shiny droplets of water left all over his chest, standing just in a white innocent towel wrapped across his waist. I quickly moved my gaze to his face. His features were beautiful. In perfect symmetry. His lips twisted into a charming smirk as he noticed the hot flushes of red filling up my cheeks.

He noticed my breathing. My heart basically thumping out of my chest. His alluring smile left me stuttering , "i dropped .. a couple of .. clothes and i .. i need to retrieve... can i? Erm." He seem satisfied with my nervousness. I was nervously playing with my fingers behind my compression shorts.

...

"Drop your clothes" he ordered. I submitted. To his every demand, i caved. The domination was desirable and I moaned behind closed doors. Explicit details all were behind closed doors. I shant reveal much. I wouldnt want a fine. After the heated interaction, i picked up my clothes, all of it, dressed to protect the teensy modesty i had left and ran off quickly out the corridor.

Out in the corridor, I saw an auntie whispering to another older women. They seem suspicious. They seem disgusted. But they are strangers. Everything is behind closed doors. It wont be revealed. Nothing was wrong.
Within the structures of the sturdy HDBs protecting me.

I just dropped my clothes. Thats all.




1:00 AM
Punch and a throw

You punched two people because one said he broke his nose and its tilted to one side so u punched it back. The next asked what happened so u punch that too.

You played bball in arcades and smashed the bam bams. Well..

I wish i jus had one man by my side. Just the one company i need. Every moment.
Never apart.
I miss u so.




Friday, February 13, 2015, 1:10 PM
Dear me

Altimate Atas.
Shoe broke.
Stole tape from polar.
Ran like a maniac.
Lights.
Dancing.
Flaming drinks.
Persistant Stalkers.
Smiles.
Pointing.
Gazing.
Daring.
Asked fr Drinks x 2
Rejected.
Judgements.

I crave the attention. Yet i put u down because i know i jus want that feeling of being attractive. Of being craved. The feeling as hardcore as a drug.

I know im not confident enough. I know looks and being desired is my innate nature. Yet i have the whole other side of rationality and morals. How can one feel like a women of leisure while being tortured by her moral thoughts.

Just tonight. Think and appreciate how far you have come. You were gorgeous to everyone in the room. Girls could have been hotter. They could have dressed sexier. But you. Dear wendy. When you stood at the dance floor when it was empty, you danced so hardcore it started a dancefloor. You made yourself into a fool by doing your cooking dance or basic mockery of ah beng dance. Dancing manly. Being judged and pointed at by boys and girls. Frankly you felt like you belong because you just danced and let haters hate. You felt so free. Everyone thought you were strange.. then on closer look , some thought you were special and cute. People pinched your cheeks and threw more judgements. Both good and bad. I have never danced like that in my life.

You got offerred drinks at all the coolest tables. Hall 15 wanted to steal you back. They looked at you and saw value. Trust me.. it starts with looks but im sure it ended with how you ferociously moved. How you looked like there was no standard for women to dance sexily for attention. You danced funnily and with so much bombastic energy it amazed yourself. Everyone clapped.

Remember this moment. You once had that. No one can take that away from you(: Now lead a life proper. And this haven shall be a memory of comfort.

Wendy, be the fulcrum of your own universe




Tuesday, February 03, 2015, 2:46 PM
Child

Soh Wendy: Its like.. there is too much to tell.

I am like a kid..
I see strangers every day. I tell them about my day. I laugh and tell them all that made me laugh. I complain about what i dislike..
Then i trust that stranger with my secrets. In fact they werent secrets. They were merely my thoughts.

I didnt need judgements but they will be there. So im a child. Buying ice cream. Tell every stranger i meet how i am like. Exposing my gullible sides.
[03/02 14:44] Soh Wendy: Its dont know how to portray myself other than myself.

I wish to be less true to myself but thats not possible.

So i remain a child. Trying to find another child.. who would eat that 🍦with me. Talk crap to me. And not judge me.




12:28 AM
Multi facade

Im a step closer to annoyance when im
entertaining people
I try to be my best
But there is a women crazy honest within.

I want to share with you
But we are all hypocrites
Oversharing
Over giving
Too much too much information
Thats not what normal humans do.

Human condition is not that kind
We hide the truth
Yet we vow to be honest
We keep a layer of protection
So yes I wont be vulnerable to all.

I cant.
I cant be this hypocritical bitch.
I cant give in because it is human nature to be selfish?
I cant give in because i am myself.
And if u view me as crazy,
I am me and im just trying to make you smile.

Where do i belong then?