Im not the girl your mom warned you about, her imagination was never this good.
On the Go
Tuesday, January 10, 2017, 10:31 AM
My journey to growing upWe are all busy code-switching between languages and much research has been set aside to help people flex between the usage of various languages. Upon turning 24 and reality hitting me like a huge stick, I realized I needed to arm myself for the adult world.
Too many people across generations go through life not knowing the secret to being strong as an individual. I am still searching to regain my confidence from many events that push me down over the past quarter of a century. We pick up quotes online and messages that tell us how to be who we are, so much so that we forget that our identity is multi faceted and that staying true to yourself does not equate to being mono identified.
It struck me that what I needed to succeed in my role as a grown up is to code-switch between identities.
This does not mean hiding behind a mask and being someone that we are not, although certain uncomfy situations might force us to be so. It means embracing various aspects of your identity and working on all the faces of it. Instead of thinking that you are just that one genuine representation of yourself.
It means being a gentle soul when your partner needs help and being patient and observant to their needs.
It means being grateful to those who stick by you and showing them love in every way you know how and opening your heart up to love and being afraid of failure but trying anyway.
It also means embracing the working identity that forces you to put on a show and to seem like you hve it all figured out. To be visually strong amidst all the changes and insults that put you down. To walk with a stained skirt and still be proud of being in that skirt because you know you are much more than a pretty image.
It means going home and being kind and soft with your family. Helping out at home. Having hobbies and cooking for them. Telling them that you are okay, even if you are breaking down inside on so many levels. A different kind of strong.
It means sitting up at night thinking of how to become a better teacher tomorrow when the whole world seems to be counting on you for comfort, assurances, strength, confidence. When you face a class of confused faces and a lot of 100 students looking to you for some sign that they are good enough even if they seem like they want to hurt you, even if they seem uninterested, even if they have their troubles and expect you to read it off their faces. You shut your eyes and strengthen yourself. You embrace your weakness of caring too much. You take 10minutes to cry it out. To allow your weakness to show. And to motivate yourself. Then you spend the next hour thinking of ways to be strong again for tomorrow.
You switch in and out of what might seem like a thin stemmed flower on the rails of a train track. Some moments you embrace your gentle nature and feed yourself with comfort, for the world seems busy with their own problems. And when the train arrives, you brace yourself for the massive blow that will tip you over the 45degree angle that is humanly possible to bend over before you break. Only you don't break.
You hold on tight to that hug you gave yourself the previous night. You know you can go against your very nature of breaking.
And you survive it. Through code switching between your gentle nature of loving and your strength to be resilient.
Wednesday, January 04, 2017, 6:20 AM
My last birthdayI remember that day very vividly. It was kinda a few days before my birthday. About this time last year. I remember being excited to meet the 2 best friends that I had. I flew down to Clarke Quek. Our busy schedules always left us in separate worlds but once a month we er to drink together and find new food plces together.
I remember how sore I felt after Quin left, how I was dragging myself because I enjoyed the physical presence of Loken and yet I knew I couldn't get over the love I had for Q. I sat by the river and I remember Carissa being worried for me for I have thinned from having diahorrea for a month. My body regurgitating and going against life because it felt broken inside and out. I was alive, but barely living.
I remember sitting my the river and telling Carissa about how I've been, trying to hide the tears and pains of how I was feeling. I remember holding back everything that I wanted to say because I knew we all had our own worries and problems on hand. I knew we were all swimming against the tide in our own way. I remember the smell of the water while we sat on the steps waiting for Daphne. I had so much in that moment. I loved that moment. While it was painful to have lost, in that moment I had you, Carissa.
After 40mins, Daphne popped out from the corner of my eye with a tcc paperbox and inside, revealing a melted lava cake with a falling candle. She couldn't find a lighter and the nearest TCC was super far away. They did that for me. I was so touched. I could barely hold back what felt like the greatest surprise in my life. We laughed so hard at how sloppy the cake was and blew the non existent candle. They then handed me a vintage coin pouch that contained an itouch. We didn't have money, and they got me a secondhand itouch and made a playlist of songs for me to help get over Quin. I remember many apps in the itouch like Psych and Carousell. They knew I wanted to play Psych with them. In that moment I burst into tears. They aren't friends who can romanticize anything. I've never gotten much words from these girls in terms of affirmation for our friendship but they always know how to show me and make me feel special.
This makes me recall back on the one performance when C and D surprised me and stayed back in school for. When they absolutely hate staying in school. We drank that night away after a huge screw up in the sound system. They said that they were still proud of me.
Bouncing back to that birthday, Carissa was reaching the end, I didn't know. She couldn't drink and was monitored by her family all the time. But she came out, she stayed late, for me. We drank a few rounds. Shots I had. Free drinks the whole night for the bartender had a crush on us. Carissa had wine while we had a whole array of strange drinks that kept coming my way.
She left early.
Her father came and fetched her.
She left early.
I miss her so much.
Giving it upI miss your touch, holding me in the gentlest of ways. I miss our long nights together where we could be ourselves and talk. Our connection is unmatchable. I miss how your breath touches my skin when you are whispering your love to me. I miss your body pressed against mine in an endearing and also intimate way. I miss how your arms will wrap around me and you squeeze me as though I am the one person on earth that matters.
You taught me in that moment that I am the one person that matters, that humans falter but we will be forever and always, that my heart always belongs to you.
You taught me that you meant a lot to me.
Like a cage, love puts me in each time I open myself up to extend my capacity to love. But let's not be afraid of dedicating myself to this action/extraordinary gift.
Friday, December 30, 2016, 8:03 AM
The one post about Europe
It is the glow on the face when I see myself in pictures and mirrors that made me realize how happiness radiates.
It's about the new friends that will magically appear when you least expect and prove that you are amazing even when you are quiet and choosing yourself over others in your decisions to walk ahead and be alone.
It is about the strangers you meet that throw you free private rooms and drinks on the house just because you are beautiful and special and it's maybe convenient for them. You see people enjoying your very presence and appreciating the person that you are. Best of all, you aren't trying to please.
It is about calculated risks and being brave to love yourself for all that you have become. For the strength is unbelievable. You are so much stronger than you could have ever imagined. Traveling was possibly the bravest and most selfish thing you have ever done. Those who love you supported and stayed. The world did not hate me for choosing myself this one time. I could hear what I wanted during this stretch of 3 weeks. It was booming and telling me every step of the way. I never doubted myself, never restricted myself and chose to grab every moment by whatever horns it showed.
1. Listen to yourself and feed what you want for the person you have to take care of most is yourself, then you can have more to give to the people you love.
2. Seek pride in the people who stay with you, know that they do it out of love. Take some time to love them three folds now.
3. We don't get what we want every time, three weeks of a dream is more than what many can afford to in their lifetime. Remember how you have grown and keep building to better yourself.
4. Don't be afraid to fail. There will always be surprises along the way. Always choose to hug yourself inside instead of judging yourself.
5. Yes the world will blame you for plenty. But you can't listen to it, for they don't know you like you do, yourself. Be kind to the world. Be kind to yourself.
6. Stay true to the things you believe in. Recalculate what you want and stay true to youself.
7. The memories are temporal, what's permanent is how amazing they have changed you to be and how much stronger you are. How much readier you are to give. How much less afraid you are to fail and get lost.
Keep surprising yourself not by traveling alone for that is something to be content that I once had. Surprise yourself by changing the way you think about yourself and taking life every day as though whatever will be will be. The moments are countable and limited till the world ends for me. Don't be afraid for life will take care of you in many ways.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016, 5:05 PM
Spiral of reaching outMy day begins.
my hands towards a familiar feeling
trying to grab it back but I see
mistakes hitting me and moments blaming me
I hug my knees and stare in disbelief
powered by the broken photo frames
with a voice ringing, gravity holding me repeating itself:
You don't look for happiness, you choose to be.
I scurry back to the box. I was told
to always stay within the lines
to fight within the lines.
To dream within the lines.
My day ends.
Friday, September 16, 2016, 1:57 AM
Just go with the flow.I understand now that going with the flow does not mean being mindless.
It means trusting what I feel.
Embracing my emotions.
Go with the flow.
Leap of faith.
Don't hurt the glass menagerie. For it might seem all beautiful, it is very fragile.
Friday, September 02, 2016, 11:08 AM
They say time heals
I'm suppose to be glad you are in a happier place.
But Each time I think of all the things I miss about us, its like a punch in the stomach.
PLaster On A sMIle, lets go about our day, this too shall pass.
Dear Carissa, I miss you, I love you.