Im not the girl your mom warned you about, her imagination was never this good.

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Sunday, April 19, 2015, 3:32 PM

You have gone. for close to a week. 2 more weeks and u will be back.
What i fear is that you were feeding me lies
and all i knew about you was merely a perception.

I wish you could tell me the truth
despite your fear of me being upset
I wish you wont make me go through my past again.

I dont think people realise how much i care
but thats okay.
because i dont believe i am alone.

I dont believe i am the only girl that gets haunted by nightmares
I dont believe i am the only one who gets caged by my own fears
I dont think i am the only one who is afraid to love.

So it got me thinking,
when a guy cheats on a girl,
who is the fool?

And i realise that anyone can be a fool if they regret something
and i can choose not to be a fool at the end of the day
because the greatest fool would be one who choses to leave me and then,
I wont see it as a waste, I wont regret having lost a douchebag.
And he will be the fool not because its a competition of the better,
It is a competition of the mind.

So Dear Wendy, this is for you,

You worry alot, you get paranoid, I dont blame you because its a torment enough to be the way you are. You worry because you care. and if you dont think and not worry, you wouldn't be that special nor active. So there is nothing wrong about thinking. But you can choose what to think.

You can choose at this moment to be happy for all that you have done. You can choose to be happy about every small thing that makes you smile. You can choose to be happy about having a healthy and happy family. You can choose to see that nature is your friend.

then if something goes wrong, remember dont despair, dont spiral down the usual path thinking everything was your care. Its not always your fault. It isn't so dont punch yourself for it. And if it is, make sure this moment isn't going to waste. Everyone is going to misunderstand you. But give yourself a chance to understand yourself. For you to do that, you must be in a healthier emotional state.

If something goes wrong, what's there to fear? wasted time and love, broken hearts and feeling unloved. But the one person who shouldn't stop loving you is yourself and during tough times, thats when you have to step up for YOURSELF. DO yourself a favour and stop being upset about a perception of something, the possibilities that have left and stop comparing your sorrow to other's happiness. You are lucky because you have this massive brain that works with your huge heart to love. And if anyone deserves to be loved, its you.

You have cared for the world your whole life; now its time to say goodbye to these hard times. Make a constant decision to do things for yourself. Love yourself. Stop abandoning yourself just so you can do things for others. Its what you are used to but it might not be whats best for you. Its draining you.

Feel the feelings that you feel, its okay to be sad and hurt. Then detach yourself and treat yourself like a child. Distract her, Nurture her and make her feel better:) i read somewhere that "Allowing others to treat you badly sends a message to your inner child that he or she is not worth loving." SOH you are worth it :) Take care of your inner child. Now its time to take care of her.

Me at 22

Friday, March 20, 2015, 11:45 PM

The pain inflicted was forgave but it wasnt forgotten.
The episodes of fear reached a decade, home was defined by darkness.
How one can sleep under the same roof and not shiver whenever a door slams.
How one can hear your deep breathing and break out in cold sweat.
Hypersensitivity. Its called scientifically.

How you are so blind you blame the world but youself.
How im so blind i keep blaming myself.
How im so stupid coz im aware but yet i keep running the spirals of saddness downwards to the never ending black hole..

How you seem to complain bout the wrongdoings of other parents, never your own.
I know that there are no perfect parents in this world.
Its a matter of perspective.
But the perpectual ego doesnt help in building an environment to try and formulate a relationship.

Fathers be good to your daughters.

Monday, March 02, 2015, 12:44 PM

I give myself till 6th March.
After that, I have no other reason to hold on the this anesthetic. 
Gasper Chan, letting you go is the hardest but I understand that I don't want you in my life anymore.
No one will be able to love you the way I did. You were the only male I thought could bring me love.. you did then.. and you changed afterwards.
I don't know if those nights you shed tears while I listened for hours meant anything to you. 
I don't know if you understood how much love it took to rip a day off my life to talk to your parents and stand up for you.
I don't know if anyone else could worry everyday about you the way i did, speak to all nice things like i did. 
I don't know if it meant anything to you when you said I was the pillar that should never crash, when you crashed on my head. 

It was as though you promised.. remember the running game we played? you promised you were on my team.. we killed everyone, and in the end you ripped me off and said i'm sorry you are not on my team. Just that this time it is real.. you made me push away every pillar and reject every friend's help because I knew that all I needed was you. I tried to hide behind you later when I accomplished all that you asked. Then you crashed down and killed me with the mighty strength, with no remorse.

I have been blaming myself for months for being insufficient
For not partying and drinking with your friends because they felt fake to me
To not be adventurous enough to sneak into places and steal things because I felt bad for those we stole from 
To stop you from killing yourself with doubts about yourself when you wanted to spiral down this change and become who you are today.

But this week. I have decided to let go.
It is not you I miss, but who you were.
Who I was when I was with you.
I have tried to find a replacement but i know no one will replace that space you once had.
No one can climb up that stairway of trust.

I must forgive myself and remember one simple line:
It is not me who chose to left but it was you. 


Tuesday, February 24, 2015, 10:42 PM

Just a little bit closer
Lean your body so I can feel
The warmth from you sinking into my body
The memory of it carved in my mind.

Your smell, so composed
So full and rich, so comforting,
Its presence allures all my senses
Then you disappear, I cant find the smell.

6 months of presence and absence
6 months of yes and no
6 months of inconsistency
6 months of bottling and pouring
6 months of smiling then crying
6 months of hiding from raging loneliness
6 months of one day stands
6 months of predictable presence
6 months of occasional burst of happiness
6 months of waitingggggg
6 months of dreaming

Treat it as a test they all say
Treat it well
Treat me well
You are not alone
Many people have to go through this

They. are. not. me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015, 1:01 AM
Drop the clothes

The beauty about HDBs comes with issues. Innocent as they may seem.
I live on the 8th floor.
One fine morning, I came home realising my overused cheap clothes pegs have failed me. My Clothes fell 2 levels down and landed on a traditional wooden pole erected outside the window of the unit just right below me. It seem so close. Yet out of reach.

I ran frantically. Anxious about speaking to the neighbour who Ive never met before. In fact I dont know any of my neighbours. The doors in my block seem to shut off. Life behind closed doors were translated to corridor gossips. We were all strangers commuting under the same block.

I ran the doorbell with my sweaty thumb and waited for a response. His voice was coarse and deep. "Hang on," the owner of that voice opened the door 5 minutes later exposing an image unlike imaginable.

____ has just taken a shower soaking wet with shiny droplets of water left all over his chest, standing just in a white innocent towel wrapped across his waist. I quickly moved my gaze to his face. His features were beautiful. In perfect symmetry. His lips twisted into a charming smirk as he noticed the hot flushes of red filling up my cheeks.

He noticed my breathing. My heart basically thumping out of my chest. His alluring smile left me stuttering , "i dropped .. a couple of .. clothes and i .. i need to retrieve... can i? Erm." He seem satisfied with my nervousness. I was nervously playing with my fingers behind my compression shorts.


"Drop your clothes" he ordered. I submitted. To his every demand, i caved. The domination was desirable and I moaned behind closed doors. Explicit details all were behind closed doors. I shant reveal much. I wouldnt want a fine. After the heated interaction, i picked up my clothes, all of it, dressed to protect the teensy modesty i had left and ran off quickly out the corridor.

Out in the corridor, I saw an auntie whispering to another older women. They seem suspicious. They seem disgusted. But they are strangers. Everything is behind closed doors. It wont be revealed. Nothing was wrong.
Within the structures of the sturdy HDBs protecting me.

I just dropped my clothes. Thats all.

1:00 AM
Punch and a throw

You punched two people because one said he broke his nose and its tilted to one side so u punched it back. The next asked what happened so u punch that too.

You played bball in arcades and smashed the bam bams. Well..

I wish i jus had one man by my side. Just the one company i need. Every moment.
Never apart.
I miss u so.

Friday, February 13, 2015, 1:10 PM
Dear me

Altimate Atas.
Shoe broke.
Stole tape from polar.
Ran like a maniac.
Flaming drinks.
Persistant Stalkers.
Asked fr Drinks x 2

I crave the attention. Yet i put u down because i know i jus want that feeling of being attractive. Of being craved. The feeling as hardcore as a drug.

I know im not confident enough. I know looks and being desired is my innate nature. Yet i have the whole other side of rationality and morals. How can one feel like a women of leisure while being tortured by her moral thoughts.

Just tonight. Think and appreciate how far you have come. You were gorgeous to everyone in the room. Girls could have been hotter. They could have dressed sexier. But you. Dear wendy. When you stood at the dance floor when it was empty, you danced so hardcore it started a dancefloor. You made yourself into a fool by doing your cooking dance or basic mockery of ah beng dance. Dancing manly. Being judged and pointed at by boys and girls. Frankly you felt like you belong because you just danced and let haters hate. You felt so free. Everyone thought you were strange.. then on closer look , some thought you were special and cute. People pinched your cheeks and threw more judgements. Both good and bad. I have never danced like that in my life.

You got offerred drinks at all the coolest tables. Hall 15 wanted to steal you back. They looked at you and saw value. Trust me.. it starts with looks but im sure it ended with how you ferociously moved. How you looked like there was no standard for women to dance sexily for attention. You danced funnily and with so much bombastic energy it amazed yourself. Everyone clapped.

Remember this moment. You once had that. No one can take that away from you(: Now lead a life proper. And this haven shall be a memory of comfort.

Wendy, be the fulcrum of your own universe