I give myself till 6th March.

After that, I have no other reason to hold on the this anesthetic. 

Gasper Chan, letting you go is the hardest but I understand that I don't want you in my life anymore.

No one will be able to love you the way I did. You were the only male I thought could bring me love.. you did then.. and you changed afterwards.

I don't know if those nights you shed tears while I listened for hours meant anything to you. 

I don't know if you understood how much love it took to rip a day off my life to talk to your parents and stand up for you.

I don't know if anyone else could worry everyday about you the way i did, speak to all nice things like i did. 

I don't know if it meant anything to you when you said I was the pillar that should never crash, when you crashed on my head. 

It was as though you promised.. remember the running game we played? you promised you were on my team.. we killed everyone, and in the end you ripped me off and said i'm sorry you are not on my team. Just that this time it is real.. you made me push away every pillar and reject every friend's help because I knew that all I needed was you. I tried to hide behind you later when I accomplished all that you asked. Then you crashed down and killed me with the mighty strength, with no remorse.

I have been blaming myself for months for being insufficient

For not partying and drinking with your friends because they felt fake to me

To not be adventurous enough to sneak into places and steal things because I felt bad for those we stole from 

To stop you from killing yourself with doubts about yourself when you wanted to spiral down this change and become who you are today.

But this week. I have decided to let go.

It is not you I miss, but who you were.

Who I was when I was with you.

I have tried to find a replacement but i know no one will replace that space you once had.

No one can climb up that stairway of trust.

I must forgive myself and remember one simple line:

It is not me who chose to left but it was you. 

THERE IS SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR WENDY :)